Clarity Through A Shot of Tequila Wisdom. I Am A Victim. I Am A Prostitute.

Carlos Velez, on January 18th, 2010

The smartest thing I’ve read in 72 days (72 is completely random and arbitrary):

“The effect of emotional venting is to sustain an unsatisfactory status quo. Most people think the opposite, that complaining is part of an effort to change an unsatisfying situation. Nope. Complaining lets off pressure so that we neither explode with frustration nor feel compelled to take the often risky steps of openly opposing a difficult person or situation. Keeping emotional pressure tolerably low doesn’t change problematic circumstances but rather perpetuates them.”

- Martha Beck (This woman’s a genius at being human. She speaks smart and true.) via Kelly Diels (all of the above and sassy to boot.)

I took a shot of this truth the other day, and thought “That’s powerful, burns a little.” I went on with my day. But it wasn’t done. Like Tequila it came back after I’d let my guard down, put me in a headlock, and forced me to submit to its power. Thankfully there was no hangover the next day.

I understood something. I have almost understood it for a while now, but there’s been a missing piece and this was it.

Since I stepped down from management at my job, I’ve changed a lot. I have had so much more clarity of mind. I have come to understand myself in many new ways, I’ve gained a greater understanding of energy, God, the Universe. I see direction and purpose, the beginnings of fulfillment in my life, as well as abundance starting to pile on top of contentment. I feel happy a lot more.

What changed? What’s my secret? I almost nailed it when I said to get fed up to make change. But I only gave credit to the fact that I said “Enough!” and decided to make change. But that’s not the whole answer. What separates it from all my other attempts to make this same change in my life?

How do you make this time around different?

The Problem Of Coping

For 3 years, I coped with my misery at my job. Complaining, obviously, was a common form of coping. I came home and complained. I complained to my co-workers. I complained to my friends. I needed to let off steam. I needed to vent.

Changing departments was a great way to cope. I’ve managed almost every department in my store, because each change brought a temporary relief. Learning new things calmed some of my frustration at not owning my own business, and growing new relationships with different co-workers helped make the days less dreary. But it didn’t fix the real problem. I saw a little progress for a while, but all the hopelessness would come rushing back after a few months.

I escaped into fantasy and sci-fi books. Raged in my car, on the drive home, to hardcore music. I tried to not care about my work, but couldn’t do it, which made me more miserable.

I coped. And that was the problem.

The Choice To Cope

When my boss pulled me into his office and told me that they were putting me on final notice. I complained. I explained to him that I was being expected to do too much with too few resources. I cited specific data showing how my same department in other stores had more employees, and a much lower volume of sales/work. To his credit, he offered me a 6 week period in which he would bring an additional employee into my department to help out. He expected to see improvement though, not perfection, just an improvement from the way things stood.

I almost bit. Another employee would have made things easier. But I stopped and I looked at it real hard. If I accepted, I knew it wouldn’t fix the problem in my life. This wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be a manager at a retail store. I didn’t need more reason to get stuck in it. But what was I to do? I couldn’t make the money I was making anywhere else. I could get a second job to make up the difference if I stepped down, but that wouldn’t be any better. I wouldn’t have time to spend with Julie or work on starting a business.

Screw it.

I rejected comfort. I didn’t cope. That was the moment it all changed.

I didn’t know I wanted to blog. I didn’t know what kind of business to start. I didn’t know how we were going to manage with a lot less cash flow. But I rejected comfort anyway. Comfort has a place, but it doesn’t solve problems.

I took the first step even though I didn’t know what the second step would be. I declined the help and stepped down. I knew it was right for me, and I did it graciously. After that, clarity came.

Clarity Through Archetypes: The Victim

I was able to see that they weren’t all against me. I wasn’t a victim.

The Victim is one of our 4 universal Archetypes.* An Archetype is not a personality trait; it’s more like a program with a specific function. The Victim’s purpose is to illustrate areas in our live’s where we need boundaries, both to keep harm away from us, and to keep ourselves from doing harm to others.

In my case, I allowed my work to control my self esteem, the amount of money I made, how I spent the bulk of my time, and my level of happiness day to day. A boundary needed to be drawn. Also, I allowed it to have the power to cause me to complain, gossip, and be inconsiderate of others. A boundary needed to be drawn.

I finally understood this about myself. I was my own problem. I was victimizing myself. I was not taking control of my life because I was too scared, so I let others hold the reins, and gave away my power.

Clarity Through Archtypes: The Prostitute

I finally understood that I had been selling myself, my soul, for security and comfort, for keeping things the same. This is the function of the Prostitute, to show us where we compromise our soul. When you face an important decision in your life, you will face the choice of the prostitute. Change versus safety. It doesn’t matter if “safety” is an abusive relationship, a dead end job, unwillingness to speak up, or an illness. Change is always scarier, even if it’s an improvement.

For the first time, I chose not to prostitute myself. I turned down the rather benevolent offer from my boss, for the unpredictability and the unknown of pursuing my right path.

Rebirth

I couldn’t see it before. I was a victim. I was a prostitute. Until I stopped complaining, stopped coping, and let the fear build to a breaking point.

It’s a birth canal, small, and you’re too big to fit with all your worries, anxieties, doubts and fears. You don’t know what’s on the outside, but the truth is you can’t grow anymore where you’re at. Plunge through, and cut the cord. There’s light outside and lots of space for you to grow and do and be – yourself.

*I learned the concept of the Victim and the Prostitute as personal archetypes in our lives from Caroline Myss’ book The Language of Archetypes. It is a remarkable work from a remarkable woman. If this concept resonates with you, it would be well worth your time to dig in to this further.

See full listing of all my posts about Archetypes

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Thanks,
Carlos

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