I’ve been thinking a lot about the dynamics of attraction between men and women. Specifically, the attraction women seem to have to “Jerks” and what that means for the “Nice Guy.”
This is Kelly’s fault. She’s been talking a lot about the effective but damaging methods of the pick-up artist community, and the myth that the Nice Guys who finish last are actually nice.
I’m a Nice Guy. The world doesn’t need Nice Guys, nor do women. This post, and the series to follow are my first efforts at breaking out of my nice-guy mode of operation. But what’s the other option? To be a Jerk?
I’ve never wanted to be a Jerk. I realized long ago that if I could be a Jerk, I could get more attention from the ladies, but I just couldn’t do it. I’m not a Jerk. For a long time, those were my two options, and the choice was obvious.
One of the most important things to learn in life, however, is that link there is always a third solution to every problem. Oh yes, sometimes they are incredibly difficult to see, but it’s there somewhere.
The Conscious Man
The Conscious Man encompasses the good and attractive qualities of both the Nice Guy and the Jerk. However, the Conscious Man is not a balance between the two. He is not the middle ground of a spectrum in which the Nice Guy and the Jerk are polar opposites. He is not a compromise between two archetypes, but an entirely different and new archetype.
The Conscious Man is a leader, and a support. He is strong and confident, humble, admired, loved. He is wise and attentive, intuitive, and discerning. He knows what he wants in life and in relationships, and he pursues it unapologetically. He lifts others up rather than crushing them on his way to the top. Even at the height of his success, he sees others as his equal and his peer, especially his woman.
The Problem of the Nice Guy and the Jerk
There’s a certain something that the Conscious Man has in abundance, and the Nice Guy and the Jerk don’t.
Self Esteem.
Maybe you’re rolling your eyes. Maybe it sounds cliché. Maybe you’ve heard it all before.
Oh well. It’s still true.
I have a series of posts planned in which I will show you, specifically and personally, the difference between the Jerk, the Nice Guy, and the Conscious Man. I’ll show you how self esteem is the root of the problem and the solution. I’ll give you personal examples about the effects of low self-esteem on the Nice Guy, and do my best with the Jerk (input welcome, any Jerks reading this?)
I’ll also explore the wants and needs of women and what they find attractive to men. Daunting, but I think I’m on the right track.
Disclaimer
In this series, I will be talking in broad, sweeping generalities. I don’t expect these things to be 100% true for every person, however, I challenge you to really stop and think, and be totally honest with yourself about whether there’s truth in what I’m saying. This isn’t a light-hearted, lift-you-up blog post series. This is an in-depth, invasive procedure to get to the root of many of our relationship issues. Be prepared for ugly. Be prepared for truth. Be prepared to question me, yourself, and society at large.
Next week we’ll open the discussion with The Attractive Qualities of the Nice Guy. Ladies, start thinking about what you find attractive in us Nice Guy types. Nice guys, what seems to be the thing that ladies like about you the most? Jerks, what have you admired about the Nice Guy?
Start thinking and discuss what you have so far in the comments below.
See all entries in the Conscious Man Series
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Thanks,
Carlos
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I’m interested to see what you’ve got in store for us in this series. I’ve always been a Nice Guy myself and I found your implication that Nice Guys lack self-esteem offensive.
Until I realized it’s true.
I am usually nice because I’m trying to avoid conflict and because I desperately want other people to like me, but that’s not being totally honest about what I’m really thinking.
I like that you brought up leadership as well. It’s hard to think of a leader who didn’t offend some people. When you stand for something you have to stand against something else and the people who think that something else is the best idea will generally not like you.
Siddhartha´s last blog ..Failure to Adapt: The Agonizing Death of the Publishing World
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Carlos Velez Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 11:29 AM
I am impressed by you Siddartha, but not surprised.
I have been a little worried that I will offend people with this series, but I also feel that this series is going to be of critical importance to me personally and could potentially be for others as well, so I am wary of diluting my message with apologies or exceptions. Thus I walk the line.
Your post about when not to give advice really painted you as a man who has many qualities of the Conscious Man. You’ll really get what I mean as I go through the series, but your reaction to this post is another perfect example.
I really look forward to your input, whether it agrees with me or not, throughout this series.
Carlos Velez´s last blog ..Sunday Short: Re-Creating Myself with The Law of Attraction
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Hey Carlos,
This is always one of my favorite subjects to ponder over. I am also a nice guy. I don’t want to debate the attraction between women and jerks but I think you are on the right path with your new archetype. I really enjoyed this post Carlos, keep up the great work bud!
Ryan Hanzel´s last blog ..Keep it simple
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Carlos Velez Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 8:54 PM
Thanks Ryan, I’m glad you stopped in. Like I tweeted earlier, I look forward to your commentary. I think this is a subject really worth delving into and getting a group mind crackin’ away at it.
Carlos Velez´s last blog ..Sunday Short: The Salesman’s Dilemma – Ask For The Sale
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I was just talking to a friend about this very issue over the weekend. In retrospect, you are right. Both the nice guy and the jerk have issues with self-esteem. The nice guy needs some. I will say, from a woman’s perspective, it is hard to have to continuously prop up someone’s self-esteem. The jerk needs to realize that what he has is an ego and not very good self-esteem. He needs a dose of reality in most cases.
Nicki´s last blog ..Boston Marathon
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Carlos Velez Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 8:56 PM
I am quite glad to have a woman’s perspective on this. I hope the posts to follow will be decently close to the mark of truth. Thanks for reading and commenting, and tweeting
Carlos Velez´s last blog ..Sunday Short: On A 0-10 Scale, Operate At A 9…Million
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Carlos,
I use the phrase ‘good guys’ to talk about guys who are, well, good. Like your Conscious Man.
I use the phrase ‘nice guy’ (and nice woman) to describe people who are using ‘nice’ as a veneer and a social tactic, and whom, beneath the lacquer and the marshmallow fluff, are roiling rage machines who will be incredibly nasty to you/me when you/I don’t do what they want.
I like/LOVE good guys.
Nice guys? Pass.
Nice guys show up at your door, unannounced, because they’ve seen one too many John Cusack movie (Say Anything, ghetto blaster scene, GIMME A BREAK) and think women like that sort of thing. Then they’re pissed when you (I) don’t swoon. That’s not nice. That’s controlling.
A nice guy shows up on valentines day – months after you’ve broken up with him – with a massage table and when the (presumably naked and most definitely UNWANTED) massage is declined, is hurt and wounded that you ‘rejected’ his gift. He tears up a little because “he didn’t get to give his gift.”
Nice guys pretend to be concerned about your cold while saying things like “you have had a LOT of colds this year…you should really examine that. Mind/body connection, you know.”
Oh. Thank you. I do believe you just BLAMED me for having a virus and implied that I’m not thinking positive which is why I’m sniffling (this is why I dislike LOA, btw, Carlos).
Nice.
So yeah, it is not that I don’t like TRULY nice guys (I call them good guys) but I AM profoundly averse to nice as a tactic. It’s ugly, controlling, and makes me feel bad.
It is also sexual repellant.
Now, jerks.
I used to be drawn to jerks, because I like a dominant guy who’s comfortable with his sexuality, masculinity, power, shadows. I often interpreted jerkiness as a signifier for those things.
It is not. Jerkiness is cowardice, and, like niceness, is a social veneer. It is gesturing towards Alpha Male but not actually inhabiting the space. My Very Bad Lying Man taught me that.
Because the POINT of having all those characteristics is to be able to protect – and yes, like you said, lift – those you love.
I’m still attracted to those qualities, but now I’m specifically looking for (and screening for) a man who has them, bone- rather than skin-deep, and who understands, intimately, the purpose of those qualities and his own power.
So I think I’m going to like your Conscious Man.
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Carlos Velez Reply:
April 30th, 2010 at 7:12 AM
@Kelly Diels, Thanks for posting this comment Kelly. I have learned much from you about relationships in only so many months. Your comments on the “nice guy” really got me thinking. Over the years I’ve had to admit that many of my motivations behind being a Nice Guy have been selfish, and rooted in insecurity. It has even shown itself through anger/rage, though probably not so severe as to be dubbed a “roiling rage machine” (like that).
Guys like me have the same issue as the more severe example you’re discussing. For many of us Nice Guys, the problem isn’t quite problem enough to cause divorce or restraining orders, but it’s enough to lessen the intimacy and quality of a relationship or enough to prevent a relationship from starting altogether.
Thank you so much for the material you’ve written that inspired this series, and the retweets and comment. This subject is a big deal for me personally and I appreciate your input.
Carlos Velez´s last blog ..The Law of Attraction Quick Tip 3: Say Your Thoughts “In Progress”
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Oooh, this sounds like it could be fun. I’m a bit scared too though if I’m honest Carlos because you always make me think and reflect and that can be pretty hard going.
I thought I was attracted to nice guys but having read your thoughts on the conscious man, Kelly’s explanation of ‘good’ versus ‘nice’ and looked at my own husband, I’m not so sure. I’m certainly not interested in a ‘nice’ guy as Kelly paints him.
It will be interesting to see how this develops
Eleanor Edwards´s last blog ..Wednesday Warmer: Something to make you smile
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Carlos Velez Reply:
April 30th, 2010 at 7:16 AM
@Eleanor Edwards, yeah, we’re apparently out to redefine Nice Guys everywhere. Kelly and I use the term a little differently but it mostly comes down to the same point. Please feel free to weigh in with what you find attractive in men…Nice Guys and Jerks alike.
Carlos Velez´s last blog ..The Law of Attraction Quick Tip 3: Say Your Thoughts “In Progress”
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I think the key is balance. Regardless of whether we are male or female, balancing our attributes is our unsaid goal. I believe this is true with men when they try to fit into what they perceive their mate wants out of them. I think that every “jerk” acts the way they do because of life circumstances. The difference between the jerk and the good guy is that the jerk does not have a censor. His actions are based solely on wants. Somewhere during the psychological and emotional development of the jerk, through trial and error, he found a way to cheat and get what he wanted faster. During the jerk’s development, his active observations of others slowly began to numb and the pattern of cheating manifested itself into the individual he is today.
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Carlos Velez Reply:
April 30th, 2010 at 7:20 AM
@Ben, “the jerk does not have a censor” – nice. That’s a really interesting thought. It does boil down to cheating a lot. The jerk is always putting himself ahead to get whatever he wants, even through cheating, manipulative ways even if he doesn’t consciously realize it. It is a habit that forms.
Carlos Velez´s last blog ..The Law of Attraction Quick Tip 3: Say Your Thoughts “In Progress”
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Some interesting thoughts put here for you, Carlos; interesting subject matter you have taken on.
I have always wondered why certain women seem to be attracted to these ‘jerks.’ Do you think there is a possibility it says something more about the self-esteem of the woman than the man???
What would it be like if people were able to live a truly realistic and authentic life…possibly no need for all this foolish posturing.
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Carlos Velez Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 10:25 PM
@Carol yeah, I think the woman’s self esteem plays a part in it, but only a part. As we get further into the series I intend to show that what woman are attracted to in Jerks is a distortion of some very good qualities…qualities embodied by the Conscious Man. So ultimately, I think women need not feel any shame about finding Jerks attractive because it’s not the jerkiness itself that’s attractive. And I think men and women everywhere would really benefit from understanding this well. What do you think?
A truly realistic and authentic life? I agree Carol. We’d have no need for foolish posturing. We could be totally and completely ourselves. I think if we stand very firmly as who we are, the people we know will try to change us back, but if they find us unyielding they’ll eventually accept us where we are and go around rather than trying to go through us. Eventually they’ll accept us. People mostly only have a problem with how we are when we are apologetic or insecure in it.
Carlos Velez´s last blog ..The Law of Attraction Quick Tip 3: Say Your Thoughts “In Progress”
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